Social Distancing Tips from Famous Authors

Emily Dickinson

Just stop leaving your house. Stop it. Begin wearing only white. Begin an epic correspondence with your sister-in-law, the love of your life. Also, be sure to write some of the best poetry ever penned. No pressure.

Charles Dickens

Obtain a wedding dress. Never remove it, allowing it to grow more tattered and disgusting. Allow your home to decay around you. Be sure to start rumors about yourself so that your town is too frightened to come and check up on you. Live in isolation the rest of your adult life. (Taking in orphans to ruin their lives is entirely optional, but remember, handwashing is not!)

Jane Austen

If at all possible, contrive to be in reduced circumstances so that you are beneath the notice of the best society.. Stay at home and fashion a new bonnet. Stay at home and embroider cushions very ill. Stay at home and play the pianoforte. When restless, take a turn about the room. And of course your study of singing, dancing, drawing, and the modern languages. But don’t forget that after all of this, to be truly accomplished you must improve your mind by extensive reading.

William Shakespeare

Cultivate any power hungry relatives that you may have. With any luck, they will usurp you and shipwreck you with your daughter and your books. (Pro: you’re now relieved of your job responsibilities and finally have time to get through your TBR list. Con: You’re a single parent isolated with your 3 year old daughter.) Live on a tropical island for the next decade or so, enslaving the two locals and generally enjoying yourself. Surely there will be no repercussions.

Harper Lee

Befriend three children from afar by leaving them presents in a hollow tree, but never let them see you or have any direct interaction. You may only leave your home in the event of those children being attacked with a knife. Be such a local legend that the sheriff decides not to press murder charges because he “doesn’t want to disturb your privacy.”

Edgar Allan Poe

Have you considered contriving to be buried alive? No? We’re taking this way too far? *sigh* FINE. We’re just saying, a REAL social distancer would have no problem being bricked up behind a wall for all eternity

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